From last April

by Danielle

Posting on a Friday evening is pretty much taboo, I know (who is on the internet on a Friday evening?), but regardless, here I am. This is a thing I wrote last year, in the midst of anxiety. Don’t worry, soon I’ll probably be talking about video games or something less intense than anxiety.

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The funny thing is, I’ve tattooed symbols of change on my body.

I am recalling the summer (and fall, and winter) of 2007, a year of hard change, a lot lately. I kept repeating to myself: snakes shed their skin to grow and heal from injuries. This year there are no injuries, but I have a feeling there will be enormous growth.

Jeanette Winterson, then as now, saves my life. I told her as much when I met her and she said, “Oh, well, that’s not so bad, is it?” Reading Why Be Happy now, at this point in my life, feels like fate, like kismet. She talks about madness as a process. She says: Going mad takes time. Getting sane takes time.

Somewhere along the way, I hardened. I blame DC, often, but it could just be adulthood. Academia rejected me and forced me into this wilderness where I have felt myself lost. (Another symbol tattooed on my body.) I used to describe myself as flowing like water but what am I now? Ice? Hard and fragile: that sounds about right.

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